Sometimes, a simple trip to the bathroom, turns out not quite so simple. Originally published in 2007 -- A.F. James MacArthur
At one time in my youth, I worked briefly at an organic market in Southern California. After I left the place I remained on pretty good terms with the staff and owners. I still shopped there on a regular basis despite my unceremonius departure. As an athlete, I am constantly pushing fluids, usually water. Everywhere you see me, there'll be a water bottle nearby. The new airport restrictions on fluids really suck by the way (no pun intended, but I love sucking water) It's a conspiracy I tell you. I am now forced to abandon my water bottle, and purchase the overpriced stuff from the airport vendor once I'm past security. But I digress.
While in the store, I had a sudden urge. I mean, I had to go like a race horse. I ran to the restroom, reached up for the handle of the single occupant mens room, and as I turned the knob, that sinking feeling hit. OCCUPIED! The door was locked. My spirit was crushed and my bladder about to explode. After waiting around doing some kind of funky squirm dance, I saw a woman come out of the single occupant ladies room. Hmmmmmmmmm.....
COVER ME, I'M GOING IN!
Look left, look right, coast clear. When I locked the door behind me a strange feeling hit me. First off, I truly felt like I was somewhere I didn't belong. It didn't look much different than the mens room, but there was just a hallowed ground kinda aura to the whole thing. Somehow it seemed cleaner, somehow it smelled better. Even looked better with the tasteful art and the bouquet of flowers. How come they don't put this crap in the mens room anyhow?
As I relieved my self I thought of how as a man, out in the wilds, this process was so instinctively simple to accomplish. No need to pull down my pants, no need to squat no big deal. Just turn my back toward where people are, unzip, and discreetely do what I gotta do. With women it is so much more of a production. Is that why you guys tend to do it in groups? You need a look out and a cover person. But seriously, after my time in the Marine Corps, I got to the point where I could go pee most anywhere, anytime. There was really no shame. Hey, it's a natural process, we all gotta do it.
So after several minutes, I was done. After washing up I was ready to exit. I stepped out and there was a woman waiting. The look of shock and horror on her face was unreal. You would have thought I was OJ and she just witnessed me killing Nicole Brown Simpson. Sensing that this lady was going to start trouble I quickly utilized my military escape and evasion training and attempted to vacate the scene. Oh no, not good enough for this lady. She was locked on target.
Now mind you, the bathroom was a single occupant type, and I locked the door. Should this really have been a big deal? Well I guess she must have thought so. Before I knew it, I heard from behind, "THERE HE IS!" She was pointing me out to the store manager. Now, the simple act of heeding a nature call had turned into a strange man hanging around, going in and out of the ladies room. I swear, some people. After much explaining, I was let off the hook but with a stern warning. The guy was serious too. He did not buy my story.
FLASH FORWARD YEARS LATER...
So a couple weeks ago I'm in the Boston Market restaurant in Greenbelt Maryland. I gotta go again. After ordering my food, I make my way to the mens room. I reach up, open the door and step in. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" The shrill ear piercing shriek nearly caused my heart to stop beating. I look over and a handsome young lady with her pants around her ankles shot to her feet and quickly pulled up her panties. As I immediately recoiled like a viper having just struck some helpless prey I was puzzled. What the? Had I entered the wrong door. A quick look at the universal symbol on the door reassured me that I was not out of line.
Now in complete shock, yet slighlty amused, I waited in the lobby area. An older woman, who it turns out was accompaning her said to me, "she didn't have it locked?" Within a few minutes, a complete red faced girl walked out of the mens room and profusely and embarrasingly apologized to me.
I turned to her and simply said, "it's ok, I'm a doctor." No complaining to management, no accusations, no desire to cause further embarrassment. Wish that had been my fate when it was me years earlier. Some people are just so sensitive.
